I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
