I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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