Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
