I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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