It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
