1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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