its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
