Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
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I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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