oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
