i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
