I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
