My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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