I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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