i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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