Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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