I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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