jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
