My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
