You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
