it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
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He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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