her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
