I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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