Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
