Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
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Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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