You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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