I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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