I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
