The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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