i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
