Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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