I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
