Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
