I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
