just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
