On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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