Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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