Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
