Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
