I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
