holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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