I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
