I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We have so much sex to catch up on
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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