Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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