the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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