I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
