I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
