i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
