If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize