Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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