the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
