By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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