I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
