i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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