Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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