A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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