I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
