woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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