Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
