Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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